Headlines We Are Sure To See in 2005

DOW hits 12,000
This is about as risky a prediction as, "the sun will rise tomorrow."

Unemployment Drops Below 5%
See above. Also see "Britney Spears Marriage On The Rocks," "French Still Haughty," and "Terrorists Target Innocents."

Over 70% Turnout For Iraqi Election; Allawi Wins With Plurality
The "mainstream" media's portrait of Iraq is about as accurate as sampling South Central LA and claiming it represents all of California. The Iraqis themselves will show us the truth of this.

Abu Musab al-Zarqawi Killed In Shootout
The only question is whether the American or Iraqi military will get him first.

Iran Conducts Nuclear Bomb Test
Unless regime change takes place in Iran first, that is.

Drilling Approved in ANWR; Oil Prices Plunge
This would lower oil prices; building new oil refineries would dramatically lower the price of gas as well.

Hollywood Plans Wave Of Religious-Themed Films
The closest Hollywood can come to getting "in touch" with those wacky red-staters is to emulate Mel Gibson. Bottom line: money talks, and The Passion's $611 million worldwide gross SHOUTS. Will Eddie Izzard fans get to see Sean Connery as Noah on the big screen?

China Hands Taiwan Ultimatum; Russia Blocks UN Condemnation
The alliance between Russia, China and North Korea will continue to tighten.

Democrats Attack Bush Over _________
Just fill in the blank anew every few days with the media's current pet issue.

Republicans McCain, Lugar and Hagel Attack Bush Over _________
Just copy the "issue du jour" from above.

Headlines We Are Likely To See in 2005

House, Senate OK Bush's Social Security and Tax Code Overhauls
A devastating one-two punch to Liberalism, possibly in return for...

Bush Backs Off 'Amnesty;' Congress Drafts Tougher Illegal Immigrant Legislation
The vast majority of Americans (85% according to one 2003 poll) are against illegal immigration, and Congress knows it. Watch as those up for re-election in 2006 start pushing for a crackdown along the lines of Arizona's Proposition 200.

Osama Bin Laden Captured
The more bin Laden hides, the more support he loses within al-Qaeda while men like Abu Musab al-Zarqawi steal his thunder. He'll have to expose himself in order to retain control of the organisation. With any luck, we'll capture him sneaking out of Iran after receiving treatment at a hospital equipped for dialysis.

UN's Internal Probe of UN Finds UN Blameless
Paul Volcker's internal investigation of the UN will exonerate the UN of any wrongdoing in the Oil-For-Food fraud. In their desperation to escape responsibility for the largest scam in history, the UN will officially place blame for not overseeing the program properly on the US. On the plus side, that will finally answer the question of whether we're supposed to be the world's police force in the affirmative.

Cuba Makes Oil Supply Deal With China
China needs oil desperately; Cuba's got it.

DNC Splits Over Leadership Flap
The far-left openly-Liberal wing of the Democratic party will begin to split from the power-driven Clinton wing, as people like Harold Ickes and Howard Dean vie for control.

Saddam Hussein Sentenced To Death
With turncoat anti-American former Attorney General Ramsey Clark defending Saddam, the trial could take months. Iraqis still won't feel safe until the sentence is carried out, the sooner the better.

Headlines I'd Like To See in 2005 (but I'm not holding my breath)

Bloodless Revolution in Iran Leads To Democracy
Iran is on the verge of a democratic revolution, but it will be far from bloodless. I only hope it happens in time to prevent the current regime from becoming a nuclear power.

Kofi Annan Indicted On Corruption Charges
It's not likely that the man who has headed the UN during corruption like Oil-for-Fraud, sex scandals, ignored genocide and Security Council votes for sale would ever be held accountable, or that the mainstream media would report it fairly if he was, but one can hope.

Judicial Activism Slows to A Halt
Wouldn't it be great if judges remembered that their purpose is to interpret the law according to the Constitution, not to interpret the Constitution according to their own whims?

UN Condemns Tyranny, Halts Support For Dictators, Promotes Freedom And Democracy
Well, that's more in the realm of fantasy than prediction.