ANNOUNCER VOICEOVER: Welcome to NNC, the National News Channel

ANCHOR: Good evening. I'm Ron Green, and welcome to the nightly news on NNC, the news channel with no bias whatsoever. In this segment, we'll be discussing the horrible, violent mess that is California. Due to the excessive violence in its streets, California has become an impossible place to live. How much of that can we hold President Bush responsible for? Let's find out.

[video montage of violence, mostly in South Central LA, scenes from "COPS," news video of car chases]

ANCHOR: As we can clearly see, California is ravaged with violence and crime. Gangs of criminals rule the mean streets, and the police are helpless to prevent murder, rape, drug crimes, carjacking and robbery from occurring on a daily basis. In Los Angeles, in 2004 alone, there were 515 reported homicides, 1,073 rapes, 13,990 robberies, 15,295 aggravated assaults, and 11,031 incidents of child or spousal abuse -- and that's just in one city! Out of 41,904 reported violent crimes in LA in 2004, only 14,786 arrests were made. Out of 120,348 property crimes -- including 22,637 burglaries and 28,260 cases of grand theft auto -- only 16,345 people were arrested. Clearly, the violence in California is completely out of control. We'll return after this commercial break.

[commercials]

ANCHOR: We're back, with a fair and equal debate on the issue of just how bad the violence in California really is. With me are rational commentator Terence O'Connell, and right-wing fanatic Hannah Coltish. Hannah, what is your position on the devastating violence destroying California?

COLTISH: First of all, let me say that you're blowing things out of proportion. Just because there's some violence in some parts of California doesn't mean that all of California is unlivable. In over 90% of the country, schools and hospitals are functioning normally, families are living normal lives, children are playing in the streets. The media's obsession with the violence and your failure to report the other news from California paints it as a hell-hole of death and destruction, which, clearly, it is not. And another thing: you certainly can't hold the President responsible for the state of California, even if it was as terrible there as you pretend...

O'CONNELL: You're a liar! You're just trying to cover up for the utter failure of this President to quell California's murders, rapes and assaults. California is a total disaster! Look at the incidents of domestic violence there -- over 11,000 just in Los Angeles! And that's only one of dozens of cities! There's only one way to describe it -- California is a quagmire! Americans have no business running California! This failure goes all the way to the top!

ANCHOR: So let me get this straight, Hannah: you claim that there are no problems in California whatsoever? That it's a peaceful place full of happy people, laughing children playing with puppies, and no violent crimes occurring anywhere? Looking at the statistics, I'm shocked you could make that fraudulent claim.

O'CONNELL: She's a liar! She's a paid mouthpiece for the Administration! Anyone who says that things are perfect in California is a dupe, a tool, or a fool!

COLTISH: That is not what I said at all! Of course there are problems and crimes of violence in California, but that's not the point!

ANCHOR: Unfortunately, that's all the time we have; we'll have to wrap the segment up here. So there you have it, folks: both sides agree that that California is wracked with problems and violent crimes too numerous to mention. It's a quagmire of rape, murder, robbery, assault and car theft, and the President is doing nothing to stop it. This is Ron Green, for NNC.

ANNOUNCER VOICEOVER: Stay tuned to NNC, the National News Channel, your only source of unbiased reporting.