The Left has been having a real hard time lately. The rebuilding of Iraq is actually going fairly well on the whole, there haven't been any terrorist attacks on American soil since 9/11, the economy is screaming along like a freight train, and Americans are fighting back against the forced secularisation and judicial takeover of the country. With their pet political party openly becoming the party of obstruction and defeatism, Leftists can only look forward to having a tough time in next year's elections as well. As always, however, I'm here to help. If the Left makes and keeps the following suggested New Year's resolutions, I'm sure they'll do better in 2006. Really.

1. Stop being so reasonable, polite and quiet during debates. Instead of presenting boring facts and figures like Conservatives do, scream more catchy, emotion-laden slogans like "Bush Lied, People Died!" No one wants to be bored by reason; everyone expects you to be entertaining. If slogans work for the advertising industry in commercials, they'll definitely work for you. Feel free to recycle slogans from the sixties and seventies, as no one remembers them.

2. When you do need to present facts and figures, focus even more on sensationalism than accuracy than you've been doing. No one cared when 1,999 troops died in Iraq, but everyone wanted to hear about the 2,000th death, right? Use big numbers to make the Iraq war sound really bad, even if you have to make them up. Truth is relative -- yelling "Bush killed 100,000 innocent Iraqis!" lets people know that you really care about Iraqis, and Conservatives don't. Even if that number has been completely fabricated, it sounds good. I mean, bad.

3. Put more people like Cindy Sheehan and Michael Berg in the spotlight, as often as you can find them. In fact, the next time you find an aging hippie willing to tap-dance on his or her child's grave for you, actually bring the corpse along to rallies for effect. That'll wow the crowd for sure. If you can manage to find an anti-war parent who's lost a child in Iraq who also happens to be a cop-killer like Wesley "Mumia" Cook or multiple murder like Stanley "Tookie" Wiliams, you've got a media sensation that's guaranteed to bring down the Bush administration. Really try hard to find one this year -- it'll pay off in votes.

4. Show more support for the military. By "support," of course, I mean that you should increase the clamor to get them out of danger -- that's not what a military is for! Let everybody know that you just want those lovable brainwashed mass-murderering children to be safe and sound at home -- unless the UN tells them where to go and who to kill. 

5. More made-up scandals and false accusations of wrongdoing will do the trick in 2006. Stop flinging them out one at a time, though -- it's too easy for Conservatives to defeat them with those darn facts and reason that way. If you simultaneously accuse Bush of a half-dozen or so crimes and Constitutional violations all at the same time, people will believe you, because some mud will be sure to stick if you just throw enough.

6. Be more open in your contempt for the common American. If more people only knew that you understand what's good for them better than they think they do, they'd be more willing to let you take charge. Don't pander to the masses anymore -- let them know right up front that they're all stupid and ignorant, and need you to tell them how to live in a more enlightened, European fashion.

7. Increase your demands for the government to acknowledge that so-called "terrorists" have the same Constitutional rights and legal protections as so-called "Americans." We're all citizens of the world, and one person's "terrorist" is another person's "freedom fighter," right? If the law is to be truly fair to everyone, all moral judgments must be suspended. Well, don't put it in precisely those words, but you know what I mean.

8. It seems that more and more black people are embracing non-Liberal ideas like personal responsibility and color-blind hiring or school admission policies. Some even support President Bush! When they do, make sure you continue to launch vicious personal attacks, calling them "Uncle Tom" or "Aunt Jemima," throwing Oreo cookies at them or forcing their charities to close down. This is guaranteed to keep them all firmly on the Left, among those who truly respect them and their independence as a people and as individuals.

9. Spend more time publicly complaining that your First Amendment right to free speech has been taken away. Not enough people are getting the message that your right to express yourself is gone. Also, whenever well-known Conservatives are giving speeches in your area, you must make more of an effort to drown them out. Scream, bang drums and cause disruptions so that no one can hear them. People will respect you for taking a stand.

10. Apologise more for all the evil things America has done. Europeans and Muslims need to hear how sorry you are that President Bush is putting people like the Taliban and Saddam Hussein out of business, intimidating leaders like Moammar Ghaddafi, and spreading democracy where no one wants it. After all, Saddam was elected in a 100% landslide by his own people, who obviously loved him! Surely when other Americans see you beating your breast over how horrible we all are, they'll realise that you and only you are qualified to lead the country.

Bonus: Seriously? Give up. Your defeatist, anti-capitalist, anti-military, anti-religion, anti-tradition, anti-America stance will never be accepted by most Americans.