That's right: Merry Christmas! I'd better say it while I'm still allowed, before the mere mention of Christmas by a private citizen on a private web site in an opinion piece is misconstrued to mean that Congress has passed a law establishing a National Church. If you're one of the 96% of Americans who celebrate Christmas, don't be cowed into pretending you don't by the Political Correctness Thought Police. Unless someone drastically changed the language while I wasn't looking, wishing someone a "Merry Christmas" doesn't mean, "you must convert to Christianity or die, heathen!" I certainly don't get upset when someone says, "Happy Hannukah" or "Eid Mubarak." I reply, "thank you" (or "Allah yubarak feek," if I remember the phrase).
If you happen to be one of those rabidly anti-Christmas people who can't stomach anyone hoping you have a happy holiday, there are some things you can do to make yourself feel better about Christmas:
- Get to work. Christmas falls on a Saturday this year, but that only means you can get more done, and make everyone at home celebrating Christmas look like a slacker.
- Return any Christmas presents you might receive. They're just meant to indoctrinate you, especially if wrapped in festive paper. Make the giver feel guilty by exclaiming, "What a waste of a tree!"
- Refuse to accept Christmas bonuses from work, even if they're cleverly disguised as "end of year" bonuses.
- Mark any Christmas cards you get in the mail, "Return to Sender" and throw them right back in the mailbox!
- Don't go to any "holiday" parties. We all know what "holiday" they're talking about, don't we? If it's called a "Winter Party," wonder aloud how come they never have Spring, Summer and Fall parties.
- Tell anyone wearing red and green that they're a fashion nightmare. Complain loudly anytime you see red and green together, for that matter -- even if it's red and green napkins at a "Winter Break" party.
- Call the police to complain about the loud singing at churches in your neighborhood. If you hear anyone singing Christmas carols -- blatant attempts to force religion down your throat -- threaten to sue.
- Insist on paying full price during those Christmas sales, even if they use the "holiday" euphemism. You know that's just shorthand for "holy day," don't you? Who are they to force religion on you?
- Lodge a complaint with your cable company every time they ram the words "Christmas," "holiday," "God," or "Jesus" down your throat in commercials or shows, even the news. Start a boycott of any shows that mention Christmas, exhibit Christmas trees, or have the characters exchanging gifts.
- If anyone has the insensitivity to wish you a Merry Christmas or Happy Holiday, gently let them know they've offended you. Something like, "You'll never get your filthy claws into me, you proselytising militant tool of the Church!" ought to get your message across.
One last thing, for all our troops who have been or are currently deployed overseas, especially those in Afghanistan and Iraq: thank you, and Merry Christmas. Sometimes it must seem as though we're so busy being frivolous that we don't pay attention. From time to time, however, some of us look up and see you standing your watch on that wall, silhouetted against the night sky, and we're grateful.
