TALIBAN OFFICIAL COMPLAINS ABOUT MEDIA BIAS
"We had all the same elements as Iraq," stated an unnamed Taliban source, "but the Western media ignores the unfairness of our loss. Our country was taken away from us by Bush for even less reason than Iraq was from Saddam Hussein -- so-called humanitarian offenses, long-time support for terrorists (which the media ignores about Saddam), and ignoring American demands to give things up -- in our case, Osama bin Laden; in Saddam's case, information on his weapons. Yet the Western media howls about Iraq daily, while they never attack Bush for removing us from power. They do this only because Saddam had oil... it's just not fair. If we had only had oil, the media would have been against Bush then, too. Truly, it is all about the oil."

POLITICAL CORRECTNESS BANNED
In a move to clarify everyday speech, persecution for failing to use politically correct euphemisms has been banned in America. Everything may once again be called by its proper name according to the new law passed today and signed by President Bush.  "No longer will the American people fear being attacked for failing to use convoluted names for everyday objects, professions, and people," Bush said.  Without political correctness, "pro-choice" becomes pro-abortion, the "winter holiday" may once again be celebrated as Christmas by those who wish to, "undocumented foreign workers" may be called illegal aliens, and "affirmative action" may be referred to by its proper name, condescension. Liberals are horrified by this development. "How can we enforce the Constitutional rights of Americans to not be offended by rich white straight men?" complained an unnamed Liberal, who then insisted on being referred to as a "race, sexual orientation and gender-neutral temporary elected spokesperson". "Not that I set myself above anyone else," the spokesperson continued, "nor claim a right to speak for anyone other than a few of the many who..." (At this point, the interview was terminated by a display of outer-directed fist-enabled aggressive frustration on the part of the interviewer.)

STOCKPILE OF IRAQI BOTULINUM FOUND!
The world was stunned yesterday when, in a shocking development, Saddam's missing botulinum toxin was found hidden in Senator John Kerry's forehead. The Senator stated that he was angry about this accusation, but for some reason, did not look angry.  David Kay, former head of the Iraq Survey Group, stated, "I could have sworn most of it went to Syria, but it appears to have been converted to Botox for the Senator's use".

GOVERNMENT REPLACED WITH DRUNKEN SAILORS
In an effort to reduce spending, all members of the US government were removed from office yesterday and replaced with drunken sailors by public demand.  "I confess I was taken by surprise," former President Bush told the press. "But it makes sense from their point of view. Drunken sailors will spend far less money."  In fact, government spending in all areas immediately decreased, except for a slight increase in alcohol and hooker expenditures.  Former Senator Ted Kennedy (D-MA) demanded reinstatement on the grounds that he only lacked the qualification of being an actual sailor.