In a press conference today, Scott McClellan (chief White House spokesman) revealed the President's military pay records from 1972. Those records should have disproved beyond a shadow of a doubt the oft-repeated accusation, soon to become a focus of the Democratic smear campaign against him, that G.W. Bush was AWOL from the Air National Guard or deserted for a few months during that time. The briefing that was televised, however, was actually the second briefing on the subject. The first briefing went a little differently, and another press conference had to be held. However, I just happen to have a transcript of the first briefing, and will reconstruct for you what really happened.
. . .
"These documents outline the days on which he was paid. That means he served," said McClellan, holding up a thick packet of military pay records. "I think these documents show that he fulfilled his duties."
Cries of "Foul!" "AWOL!" and "Liar!" came from the crowd of reporters. One shouted, "They're fake! Those documents were made up!" "We KNOW he didn't serve, so you can't prove he did" yelled another. "You can't prove something we know isn't true!"
"No, ladies and gentlemen," said McClellan, "I assure you they're real. The signatures have been verified by seven different handwriting experts. However, since you remain unconvinced, we also have documentary photographs." He held up pictures of a young George W. Bush sitting in an F-102 fighter, eating a meal with other pilots, and posing on the tarmac with fighters in the background. The cries of "Fake!" and "Fraud!" from the reporters grew even louder. A reporter in the back stood up and shouted, "Those pictures could have been doctored!" "It was all set up by his father!" yelled another.
Losing his smile, McClellan held up a photo of Bush sitting in a fighter reading a newspaper dated "July 3 1972", with two men putting up a sign in the background saying, "Happy Fourth of July 1972!". The media crowd was silent for a second, then one reporter said, "Well... we know that Saddam used doubles, and we know that Bush is no better than Saddam..." The room erupted in shouts of "It's a double!" and "Fake!" "Look, the dates are different!" "Liar!" and "We KNOW he never served; why can't you just admit the TRUTH?"
"We have fingerprints..." began McClellan. "Recent!" the reporters screamed. "DNA evidence!" said McClellan. "It must be a clone!" "I have here a sworn statement signed by the Pope..." began McClellan again, but the screams of red-faced outrage continued to drown him out. Suddenly the sky grew dark, the curtains blew in the wind, and in a flash of lightning, God Himself appeared, stunning the reporters into silence.
"I swear by Me that the President's statements are true," He began in a thunderous voice, but once again the room erupted into pandemonium. "No! No!" yelled one man, "You're a big fake too!" "How much did BushCo pay you?" "Fraud!" "Bush can stoop no lower than this!" yelled another. "He even got God to lie for him!" "He's even more evil than we thought!" screamed a woman in the back.
"I've had about all I can take of this," God muttered, and vanished. The angry reporters continued to yell at increasing volumes, until one by one they all collapsed, their eyes rolling up in their heads and flecks of foam on their mouths.
"I hate when that happens," McClellan sighed. An aide poked his head into the room. "What's going on, sir?"
"Let's just say they were allergic to facts," McClellan said. "Call the papers and tv stations; let's get their replacements out here and try again."
