If only there was a "truth in advertising" law for political campaigns... and if only we could force the Democrats to obey it! Would their campaign ads look something like this?
Vote Democrat! We'll fight to reduce the CIA and decimate the military, then attack the President when the CIA can't provide correct information and the military is spread so thin we have to call in the National Guard and Reservists!
Vote Democrat! We'll base our next campaign on mere accusations of thirty-year-old minor wrongdoings, instead of the issues at hand! When we're proven wrong by mountains of documents and eyewitness accounts, we'll demand more and more proof! Forget that "innocent until proven guilty" garbage! As a bonus, we'll make sure that the White House spends more time digging through old microfiche records than running the country and protecting you from terrorists!
Vote Democrat! When a third-rate filmmaker who's a known fraud makes a baseless accusation against the President, we'll turn it into a major campaign issue, slamming the voters with it in every media outlet as well as the floor of Congress! We'll make such a mountain out of that molehill, even Colin Powell will be forced to deliver smackdown! On the other hand, when a journalist reports an ongoing investigation by Time and ABC into a serious and recent character issue with our favorite prospective candidate, we'll squash the story so no one hears about it!
Vote Democrat! We'll authorise the use of military force in Iraq because public opinion demands it, then vote against the money needed to fund it once the troops are already there! Also, we'll publicly attack the National Guard after sending them to war, saying that serving in the National Guard isn't really being in the military!
Vote Democrat! We'll tell you we're the party of human rights, then do everything possible to repudiate a war which freed twenty-five million people from tyranny and brutality! Vote Democrat! Even though we fully agreed with UNSCOM in 1997 and UNMOVIC in 2003 that Saddam had weapons of mass destruction right up until our troops entered Iraq, we'll try our best to make the case that the President lied to us about it instead of the other way around!
Vote Democrat! We'll force America to abide by a quota system for racial minorities and women in education and employment, while castigating Americans for being divided by race and sex! Let hypocrisy be our watchword! Vote Democrat! We'll blame the President for losing the love of the entire world through poor diplomacy, while Vote Democrat! We'll fight to raise taxes on businesses, so they won't have the money to hire new employees... then attack the President for giving tax breaks to businesses as an incentive to hire people! Vote Democrat! We're far more interested in pointing the finger of blame than fixing the problems! We're far more interested in past mistakes than future plans! That's because we have none! Vote Democrat! We'll represent ourselves as being the "party of the poor" when we're bought and paid for by the richest fatcats in the country! We'll represent ourselves as "fighting special interests" when our candidates rake in more special interest cash than anyone! We'll represent ourselves as being the "party of minorities" when we block minority judges from a confirmation vote on because of their ethnicity or possible rulings on "affirmitive" action! As a bonus, we'll hound people like Trent Lott (R-Ms) out of office when they give a compliment to an old man who once ran on a segregationist ticket fifty years ago, but ignore when Bill Clinton honors segregationist William Fulbright! Plus, we keep known KKK member Robert "Sheets" Byrd (D-W.Va) around just to remind us of our roots! Vote Democrat! We want to return to the days when we could pretend al-Qaeda didn't exist, France actually liked us, and Kim Jong Il and Saddam Hussein were men of their word. We reject reality! Vote Democrat! We kiss the world's collective ass better! Don't think the Republicans get off scot-free, however. Vote Republican! We'll represent ourselves as the party of smaller government while the Federal budget grows like Orson Welles at an all-you-can-eat buffet! Vote Republican! We'll talk about decreasing spending while passing a Medicare increase so large even the Democrats are jealous! Of course, there is one thing the Republicans could say under a "truth in campaign advertising" rule: Vote Republican! We're the best choice if you want a government to protect the country, defeat our enemies, ensure freedom, spread democracy, and grow businesses. I guess we can hash out the domestic issues among ourselves. With Democrats running the country, however, we may not have that luxury.
